My 2013 looks about like this. No idea what’s going to happen next. It’s all very intense. I’m navel gazing, crystal gazing, searching for both the hidden meanings and the flags waving right in my face. This is what I know so far. I don’t want to work alone. I know for some people being able to work solitarily is a dream come true. And it was tempting. But… it’s just not me. I don’t want to be on my own all the time. I want to be a part of a team. I want to have a group to be accountable to and to depend on. I like the collaborative decision making process. I like shouldering a portion of the weight. That’s what I’m realizing. I don’t need to run so hard. I don’t need that much space. I need just enough. So while I will continue to write, I’m going to put more emphasis on being part of organizations that I am proud of and excited about.
I put myself through school so that I would have options. Yes, to build skills and develop my talents, to prove to myself that I could meet the deadlines and perform the tasks. That I could learn advanced statistics and meet IRB requirements and organize my own research study. To confirm my suspicions that I have a ridiculously deep love of words. Yes, all of those things.
But really, when it comes to a job… all I really want is not to be required to fetch someone else’s coffee. Not that I expect or desire anybody to fetch mine for me. I’ve been working since I was 15. A good portion of those years were customer service positions. From slinging coffee to servicing insurance policies to hosting CEO’s and politicians… I’ve done it all and I got an advanced degree to dislodge the chip on my shoulder. That’s part of being an older student in a social justice grad program. None of it was theoretical.
There is a beauty to sifting through the maybe’s and possibly’s to get closer to what feels right. Maybe I wanted to be my own boss. It’s possible to be an independent sexual health consultant. What feels like the right path to pursue though is to plug-in on an organizational level.
So that’s what I’m gonna do.