Helllloooo 2011

I skipped writing about the Winter Solstice. That’s kinda significant. The event itself was kinda significant. Not only was it the longest night of the year, it was the Gemini Full Moon (aka my full moon) and a complete eclipse of said moon. That is a lot of significance. So maybe I was too busy being in that moment to write about it, maybe it was a lot to absorb, and a lot of stimuli and a lot to process and thus I’m not ready to write it out yet.

But it was a good night, I was out in it, driving across the Bay Bridge, willing the storm clouds to abide just long enough for me to see the moon and for a lover’s plane to take off safely. I am grateful the winds complied.

I love the dark. I love not knowing. I love not being in control. Mostly because I am made of so much light, and I do know so much, and I am so very, very in control. Always the balance that strikes me. Anyway, it’s all so fleeting. Only movement is constant. Today it is sunny in Oakland. A crisp chill, but bright blue sky. This kind of sun is such a tease. The rays are flirting with us all. Never know when the clouds will swallow it whole and she will disappear.

I guess I like that too.

I went home for Christmas, spent time with both sides of my family and with friends that I’ve had so long, they’re family now too. My gift this year from my father, (besides much needed cash- thanks dad I love you!) was a photo album he and his sister put together from the huge cache my grandmother had collected. I also received a big tub of photos and keepsakes too. Fantastic present. Coincidentally the boys and I gave him a photo album too. Mementos all around for the Clark family.

This blog post should prolly be broken down into several smaller ones, but I’ve been waiting for this moment, so it’s all going to gush out, the sap is running, the words are flowing, the stream of consciousness between thought and word is intact and I have no plan for what I’m writing. I’m just talking to you, calmly, slowly, without anxiety of judgement or interruption.

The boys’ aren’t in school yet. They have an extra week of break so that their teachers can plan and prepare for the semester. I’m not in school yet either. I have three more weeks before my second semester of grad school starts. How my first semester ended was supposed to be a blog post too, but I haven’t had the urge to write it out yet.

I’m not sure what the purpose of winter break is, or was, in regards to higher education. Six weeks feels like such a long time for a break. However, I’m using the time to connect with my kids because when I am in school, I am for sure less available. Before classes started in the Fall I was able to spend a lot of time with them, give them my focussed attention. These three weeks of break I am doing the same. I can feel the difference in them when I’m able to just be here. My mind not running, thoughts racing, compiling, shifting, morphing. It’s a gift I can give them. They are more calm, they are more relaxed, they literally dance and sing around the house in cute quirky ways. It’s amazing. And it’s fleeting. Everything is always changing.

This month and year E will be 11. A lovely anniversary for sure. But it’s also a marker of something else. This is the ten year anniversary of when I decided I wanted more. When E turned a year old, I was already pregnant with C, a little over halfway through. I looked at their father, one of my best friends ever, a man who loved me completely, and apologized profusely. There was no way he was ever going to be able to keep up with me if I let myself be everything I felt like I could be. It was just not going to happen. That realization was shocking and scary and something I tried to unrealize. It took another year, (plus ya’ know giving birth to another wonderful amazing healthy baby) for us to really face the fact that we were going to have to split. But that is the anniversary of C’s first birthday.

Ten years since I made the decision to go it alone. And I do not regret one day of it. So here’s to 2011. I wonder what anniversary this year will be?

Helllloooo 2011