The boys are pretty good at letting me know when they’re not okay with something. Sometimes they can just out n out say it. Like, “Mom, no, so not going to happen.” Other times it takes some interpretation on my part. It’s part of this whole knowing you since the day you were born bit, I’ve got the inside view where the space between the lines is all that’s worth reading. Over the past few weeks they boys have been telling me no to something they’re not happy about having to say no to.

I’m on the cusp of the next big step. There are so many paths that I want to pursue and I’ve been trying to combine them all. Travel, school, career, family, social justice, sexuality activism, I want to roll them all up into one big project. The time to apply to PhD’s and Fellowship programs is now through December. I have the best idea for a dissertation ever. I even figured out a way to fund it for all of us to go. And the boys are saying no. Not directly. They know how excited I am, how much I want to go further and do more. What they are saying to me, through their actions, is that they need way more of my attention in this crucial moment of development

I’m not going to apply for the PhD programs and travel grants because my kids need me. My younger son especially. He is having the hardest time right now. Their dad and I have been co-parenting less and less as the years go by. We’re to the point where it’s pretty much all me now. And I can’t in good conscience take on this next big step if C’s not ready for it. He needs a huge heaping dose of stability as he processes the effects of having one parent become unavailable.

I recently heard someone say they were living with the consequences of a choice they didn’t know they were making. I feel that way about having had kids so young. There are so many things, both normal everyday things and epic life changing things, I didn’t know, I couldn’t have known, I was choosing when I decided to have children in my early 20’s. I assumed that I was strong enough to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, as long as my babies benefited from it.

What will benefit them most right now is if I stay settled down in Oakland for a while, finish the degree I’m working on and get a job. They want a family vacation, not a family expedition. All of the benefits I believed they would get from this adventure I was plotting disappeared Sunday with my 10 year old in tears. I’m not strong enough to both make up for the shortcomings of their other parent and pursue a career in academia. I’m faced with choosing one over the other.  I’m grateful to have the strength to do either one of those things well.

And I know that choosing my kids is always the best choice. Always. Like the choice to not have anymore children was/is the best decision I’ve ever made. I know that this will turn out great. I know that we will all be happy and have a higher quality of life. We love where we live. I have a fantastic network of friends and professional contacts here in the Bay. It’s just startling to have to make such a quick script revision. To change course so suddenly. Yes, I have the dream of being a professor someday. But fulfilling that dream means shit if my sons are unhappy.