I’m in the middle of writing three papers right now, and there are ideas I want to write in them, but I can’t, and I am sort of in love with the thoughts I am having, so I’m taking a moment to share them here.

We live in a society designed to prioritize solutions that alleviate one group’s anxieties, insecurities and fears over any other group. Think about that. Not only are those anxieties prioritized, they are normalized; we’re all supposed to make alleviating those fears and anxieties our top priority, even if we don’t share them.

We’ve taken one type of human being and made it the template for all human beings. Even if that template is limited, and actually a minority sample of the greater population, it doesn’t matter, that one type of brain, body and behavior is the norm. Any variation from that one type of human is denigrated or subordinated or erased.

This is the society we live in. We have vast support structures in place to reinforce the universality of this one type of human’s concerns and preferences.

I’ve been through a semester of cautious examples of variation. I say cautious because 10 years ago these same examples would have been confidently labeled as deviant, abnormal, exceptional and obscene.

I am not sure where to put these thoughts. I anticipate they are the subtext to what I am writing for my term papers. There is probably a tone in them that may have a tinge too much edge.

I’m writing about the flawed science in theories on female orgasm. Scientists (aka straight white men) really can not accept that women may like to fuck because it feels good. They. Can. Not. Accept. It. Their delicate ego’s can’t bare the thought that a women may want an orgasm, not the man. Men want the women to want the man. Over and over again, these scientists so badly want to prove that women don’t want pleasure, they want sperm! Sperm sperm and more sperm. It’s disturbing.

I’m writing another paper on online conversations between polyamorists of various ethnicities. I’m also doing a presentation on this paper, so while I write I’m doing slides and imagining what I’m going to say. I am so pissed that I have to state explicitly that I am not interested in problematizing the sexuality of people of color. In case you weren’t aware of it, human sexuality studies is actually the study of straight white male sexuality and then all those other people who aren’t them. I’m trying to literally inject some color into the discourse surrounding consensual non-monogamy. Not because people of color are some exotic other that needs to be specifically studied, but because the lived experiences of these polyamorous people are absent from the conversation. Totally completely conspicuously absent. It feels good to anticipate saying those words out loud to a seated audience comprised of sexuality researchers.

And finally, I’m detailing in depth my methods and analysis plan for my thesis. Not quite as nerve wracking, other than the fact that my desire to have the responses of my participant’s remain as whole and unfiltered as possible has been beaten out the proposal. I’m kinda pissed about it. But still, I have faith in my insubordinate streak. I am willing to give a little now because I know I’ll take what I need when I need it.

It’s part of being a thoughtful person, thoughtful in that I prioritize my thought process, am willing to spend time and energy just thinking. Maybe I’m like those obnoxious wine drinkers who sniff corks and whorl wine around their slightly open mouths before accepting a bottle for the table… maybe I’m like that. Just with ideas. And emotions too. Maybe what I’m looking for when I’m sniffing and whorling is that perfect bouquet of idea and feeling. The complex blend of passionate action and well reasoned thought. This is an analogy that I could take way too far.

Anyway, the semester is almost over, I’m excited to present my first paper at a conference. Excited to be wrapping the first year of my MA. But still, as always, really fucking aggravated by the status quo.