Fucking Hard…

No, not that kind of fucking. This is what my advisor said to me when we chatted over lunch last week. I was saying I didn’t have many peers. When I look around I just don’t see enough people doing what I’m doing.

“That’s because it’s hard. It’s really fucking hard,” this is a woman I don’t hear cuss ever, she even quieted her voice a little when she said ‘fucking’.

And while I wanted to agree, to take the kudos she offered so bluntly, I couldn’t. Yes, being a single parent while earning a Master’s degree is hard. Yes, being an advocate for sex positivity is hard. Yes, realizing your passion for social justice isn’t going to pay you well. Yes, it’s all hard. And I can see why people avoid being in this position. But there was something missing in her acknowledgement of why I know so few women the same age as me, with kids my age, focussed on sexuality and social justice, working on a graduate degree.

This is what I replied after taking a moment to think, “You know what’s really hard? Being uneducated, oppressed and feeling like shit about your sexuality. That is fucking hard.”

I don’t think she expected that. She has always been educated. She has her PhD, her practice, her teaching and researching career, she is a brilliant and dedicated academic.

I completed my Bachelor’s from UC Berkeley when my sons’ were 6 and 7 years old. When I graduate from this MA program they will be 11 and 12. If I go on to the PhD program that I am salivating after, they will be in college themselves when I finish it.

So, ya, it’s rough. And I’m looking for my peers. I’m looking for people who know deep down inside what the cost/benefit ratio is when balancing so many important moments day by bay.

Example: I stayed up too late writing a paper for Biology because I spent most of the my normal writing time (after dinner) consoling E about his less than stellar report card that came in the mail. He’s a bright kid, but he takes after his mom in regards to giving a shit about handwriting, neatness and turning assignments in on time. It’s finally catching up to him now and the results are not pretty. He was really upset. So make the decision: spend the next hour and half focussed on him and what he needs or take the time you need for the paper? I took care of my kid, and then submitted my paper 1 minute before the assignment closed online.

That in and of itself is not the hard part, the hard part comes when there is no one to share that moment of triumph with. The hard part is the silence that I sometimes interpret as, “ya who really fucking cares if you just pulled that off? You put yourself in this position, so deal.” It’s the double edge sword of struggle.

I am grateful my advisor acknowledged my struggle. I appreciate her support. I am so very aware how many women in my situation would have had a much different exchange. I’m also glad I was real with her. I can’t allow the success of now to erase what motivates me. I spent a good chunk of my life being both uneducated and undereducated and I’m not going back.

 

 

Fucking Hard…
  • Liberty

    From one mom to another – for whatever that’s worth – HIGHFIVE! We all make choices. In the end, there’s rarely “right” or “wrong” but what FEELS right, and you’re doing it.

    I’m so grateful there are people like you in the world who are doing what feels right instead of what’s easy.

  • Jenn Jones

    Mama in MA giving my Whoville “We are here!”. Nico sent along the link to you and now I am chiming in from across the vapors to say hello!

  • http://airial.wordpress.com airial

    *HIGHFIVE* right back atcha! Thank you so much!

  • http://airial.wordpress.com airial

    Hellooooo to you! Glad you are here 🙂

  • http://www.shesamarxist.wordpress.com Sycorax

    This was a really moving post. Thank you for sharing it.

  • http://airial.wordpress.com airial

    Thank you. It felt good to get it out. Thanks for reading.

  • http://poorcowinfrance.wordpress.com No name

    F***ing hard is probably an understatement, but as long as it’s what you want to do, it’ll work out. Anyway, well done for what you’ve already achieved, and good luck with what’s to come. I can sympathise. My son was born half way through my PhD and I was alone with him from day one.