Spring 2012

“Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve been waiting for this moment since the Winter Solstice. I knew this winter was going to be intense. And my faith in the wheel of the year has kept me going. The only constant in my life is movement. Semper Motus needs to be the copper plate above my door.

I like this quote because Emerson always reminds me of Spring, but also because I believe it’s true. I’ve made my own Bible through years and years of journaling. Newspaper clippings and bent photographs tucked into the corners of my home. It’s all gone digital now. Though I still write in a leather bound book because it soothes me. I like having actual paper to write on.

As part of a meditation this winter, I wrote a letter to my younger self. The self I was before I chose the path that would lead me to be the me that is writing to you now. It was an amazing thing to do. Words matter. I got to whisper secrets into my own ear. And something I was so excited to tell my younger self… almost more excited than telling her about getting into Berkeley, going to Hawaii, studying sexuality… was my relationship with my cousin. You’ll never believe how close you two are, you’ve got this friend and ally who has your back, never lies to you, and loves your kids unconditionally. Who knew?

Ok, maybe it’s pretty fucking predictable that 1st cousins are such good friends… but honestly, I so didn’t see it coming. Predictability isn’t really in my life scheme. I sent her a copy of the letter I wrote my younger self because she was there. She was there before and she’s been there ever since. I’ve seen her grow and change and face down her fears. I’ve been on the phone, read the texts or liked her facebook status just about everyday. And I feel that in all I’ve accomplished in the past 10 years our relationship is what I’m most proud of. So I guess in the Bible that I’ve made there should be a “Gospel of Cat” section.

Today begins the astrological New Year. I’ll be taking the boys to the beach for our bonfire. Need to light some fears on fire. Watch them burst into flame then fade to ash for the Pacific winds to carry away.  Sometimes I forget that I’m living a dream I had once when I was living in a nightmare. Moments like today, and loved ones like my cousin, keep reminding me.

Spring 2012