Originally Published at The Sex Positive Photo Project … San Francisco Bay Area: Size Positive = Sex Positive which is a NSFW site, so I’m reposting it here:
Size Positive = Sex Positive
When I was 14 years old I had my first moment of hot flash inducing lust. I was in my bedroom when I heard a basketball being dribbled in the parking lot below my second story window. I thought it might be a friend of mine coming to ask me to play, so I leaned out to look. What I saw made my skin go prickly, my ears start to buzz, and heat to rise in my face. The most round taut thick meaty male ass I had ever seen was striding away from me. As I watched each cheek bunch then smooth, my mouth watered. It really, truly, actually watered. I could tell he was about my age and that was all that mattered. I thought to myself, “Girl, you have to meet the person that that ass belongs to.”
It didn’t matter that I was tall and gangly and had a flat-chest. It didn’t matter that I had crazy kinky hair that looked like a lion’s mane. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have clear skin or that I was a size 14. It didn’t matter that I was the living embodiment of everything the pretty girls dreaded being. I hungered after another person’s body.
And that shocked the hell out of me.
Because up until that point, I really believed that people like me couldn’t be sexual. I believed that my body exempted me from sexuality. I was told what a sexy body looked like, and then I was told that I did not have that type of body. I thought this distinction was based upon some type of physiological truth. I believed it was real. That all those ads and TV show plots and exercise videos were trying to help people overcome an actual physical problem. You won’t feel sexy, or be sexy, or get to have sex, unless you look like ‘this’.
So imagine my surprise when my very imperfect, unsexy body had an obviously sexual urge: an urge strong enough to propel me out my front door to go meet the boy at the basketball court. I wasn’t sure if the pulse in my throat was from the running I did to get there or the fact that I was going to see that ass up close. He was alone on the court and as I walked up to him a type of panic set in: would he find me sexy? Maybe my blatant moment of desire just meant I was even more screwed. As in, by having a double digit dress size not only was I supposed to be devoid of desire, I should know better than to expect someone to desire me.
And yet… the physical reality of what was happening could not be ignored. I followed my instincts. I pursued him, and found a mutual attraction. He and I shared a lot of first sexual experiences together. A few months later it was a pair of shoulders on a new boy at school that got my juices going and I got to relive the lust at first sight experience all over again. And again, the ‘big’ girl had no problem starting up a sexual relationship with a boy she found desirable.
Long story short, at a young age my lived experiences as a sexual being contradicted all the ‘truths’ about size and sexuality surrounding me. By having a fun and active sex life I knew that the standardized sexual imagery presented to me was a lie. I was never going to see me, a big, brawny, 200lbs. young woman, having a positive sexual experience. From porn to daytime TV, artful nudes or music videos, I knew it wasn’t about me. So I stopped watching and I stopped reading. I had to tune out to stay turned on.
And you know what, as a woman in my early 30’s, I’m here to say that that is some bullshit. It’s not ok that we’re being lied to. It’s not ok that we have to avert our eyes in order to stay sane. It’s not ok that we are inundated, saturated and castrated by size-negative sexual imagery. Only one size of body is sexual? To Hell with that.
Which is why The Sex Positive Photo Project is so very pleased to bring you images, stories and interviews that ooze body size acceptance. Starting this month, you’ll be able to see and read how size acceptance is a crucial aspect of sex positivity. We’ve got guest posts, a gallery of Heather MacAllister portraits, an interview with Oakland’s own Kentucky Fried Woman and more.
Say it with us, Size Positive is Sex Positive!