Yep, it’s internet speak. It’s the roar more. I want more and I want it loud.
It’s that time of year again, the time when I feel this amazing hunger for more.
I am wanting more of what’s good. I am wanting more of the things that prior to now, I’ve never wanted any of. And I’m less desirous of things I used to think I could never live without.
I want more of what was hidden. Maybe it was hidden in plain sight, but still I didn’t see it as applying to me.
It’s the cycle of ambition. It’s those first Spring breaths. Deep, lung filling, still chilled, but not painful to inhale.
The inhale of: “now?”
The exhale of: “yesssssssssss.”
And then the sprinting comes. I’m sprinting towards June- the moment of saturation.
Winter we are deprived of light, so we cuddle close in the darkness, measuring life in teaspoons. Spring comes, light breaks the horizon and we cup our hands in anticipation. Then summer, the point where we lay our whole bodies out to be drenched. Languid in the heat; the only darkness behind our eyelids. Then Fall, the tipping point where we want a reprieve from exposure. Back again to Winter, cold, calming, soothing dark, self reflexive and nurturing.
That’s the cycle of my desire and ambition. Today I had the hunger for more; right on schedule. It was the kind of hunger that sets the tip of my tongue between my teeth. There’s also a big fuck you that comes with it. The pushing away from myself all the bullshit that coagulates. Some of it is my own, some isn’t. Either way, fuck it. There is way more fun to be having. Way more soul nourishing to be done. Way more smiles to be sharing. The fuck you bit isn’t really the point. It may be the propeller, but it’s not the gas in my tank.
When I have a hard time and I seek out help from my friends, what I hear from them most is “I believe in you.” The people who love me believe that I can do anything. They really do. Even when they have no idea how to fix the problem I’m facing, or if it actually is a situation as overwhelming as I’m afraid it might be, they listen to me and say, “You can do it.” And that is what fuels me; their trust in my abilities. That belief sustains me.
And wow do I feel hungry.