1. Decide what your values around gender and sexuality actually are.

2. Make the decision to act on those values.

3. Accept that as a parent, conversations with your children about sexual behavior, sexuality and gender will happen continuously throughout your relationship.

4. Communicate and respect boundaries.

5. Look for teachable moments.

6. Ask more questions than you answer.

7. Ask other adults for support.

8. Seek out media resources to counter the over-arching sex-negative narratives your child is surrounded by.

9. Be honest about your own lived experiences of sexuality and gender.

10. Be proud!

Do you have any time tested tools you want to share with other parents?

These are the reasons I shouldn’t bother with running:

It’s for rich people. Only rich people have the luxury to exhaust themselves by choice. My people work physical labor jobs. If I’ve got the energy to run for fun, I’m obviously not working hard enough and I should get another job. Go lift some heavy objects.

Or I should be exhausted from housework. Is your house completely totally immaculately clean? No? Then you shouldn’t be running. Go fold laundry, scrub the tile, organize the cupboards, then we’ll see how much running you have time for. Go lift some heavy objects.

It’s for thin people. You don’t look like a runner. It’s embarrassing for your body to jiggle like that. You’re not graceful or lithe, runners run because they can’t do anything else. They can’t play football or box. What, you don’t like yourself as you are? Go lift some heavy objects.

It’s a waste of time. Don’t you have some money to be making and children to be raising? How are you going to devote time away from the truly important things? How long will it take to really feel a difference in your body? Is running putting food on your table or getting your kids’ homework done? No. Go sit down and write something.

All these reasons ran through my head the whole time I was on the trail. I’m sure you can see the theme. I am so lucky to have had Courtney with me. She asked me what was going through my head as we jogged shoulder to shoulder. Like other people I know who are into running, she had to  push through her own set of mental blocks way before the physical challenges started happening. To be able to share it with her as it was happening was amazing to me. “Just say fuck you to all of that, as many times as you need,” she told me. Each step was another fuck you. We finished strong running uphill to the finish line.

I know why I have those strong currents of negativity streaming through my mind. These are life lessons passed down through generations of struggle and uncertainty. To need to run is an admission that I’m not physically sacrificing myself for my family. My life is so easy, I need to find ways to make it challenging? Yeah, that’s some kind of privilege. I can’t shake that feeling, and I don’t think I’m supposed to. What I can do is transmute it to something more practical. Running will keep me healthy. Running will keep me sane. Running will keep me connected to people I care about. Running is not the same thing as owning a Hummer or buying plastic surgery. And I need to remind myself of that. Apparently self defeat comes wrapped in all kinds of noble causes.

I texted my cousin after the race, all giddy with endorphins: “Finished! Feels great, we should do one together!”

She replied “This bitch don’t run.”

“Well,” I replied, “This bitch didn’t used to run either.”

Something we talk about a lot is social dynamics, mainly in the form of conflict and conformity. Because when you’re in middle school those two modes of behavior seem to rule your world; who are you getting along with and who are you fighting with? How to appease authority figures and how to be accepted by your peers? And I keep telling myself how transitional this phase of their development is. It’s somewhere in the middle that their own perspective is being forged, quite literally, in the bounce back between extremes.

Again, as when they were little, everything in their life is an experiment. What happens when I do this? E’s first complete sentence was “Must push buttons.” At 2 years old he was compelled to try out every electronic device he could get his adorable little hands on- repeatedly. Sometimes I feel like that is still driving him. Must push buttons. Where do I find conflict and where do I find conformity? What buttons exist for pushing?

Conflict is part of life. Some people have less of it and some have more. Conformity and it’s rewards and disappointments are in constant flux as well. My older son is so frustrated by this. He’s always looking for these universal guidelines and I am always reminding him that the only constant is change, that all rules are context specific. I’ve never been good with absolutisms. I find dogmatic assertions abhorrent. But I realize he is at the age where he needs some bedrock. Some foundational truths about the society he is beginning to claim his own stake in. Why do people fight so much? Why is there so much anger? How come everything feels so drastic? When do you bend and when do you stand?  Why is it so scary to feel like you’ll never fit in?

This is as close to a truism as I could get: If society treats you the same way you think you ought to be treated, then you will have less conflict in your life. The greater discrepancy between how you feel you deserve to be treated and how society actually treats you, the more conflict you will experience. Conforming isn’t always an option on the table.

I left it at that, and I will probably repeat this to them many times in the coming years. I want them to be the ones to fill in the specifics. My job is to provide a template, and understand that ultimately they may find it useless and reject it for something completely different based on their own experiences. I give them the ladder, they do the growing.

We do this work because we admire you. Really. We love the educators and the performers. The risk-takers and safe-space makers. The “put your money where your mouth is” critical media consumers. The “I felt so fucking alone in my journey to self-acceptance that I’m going to take this giant leap into archivable vulnerability” folks. That willingness to be vulnerable is the thread that holds us together. The recognition of that vulnerability is what motivates people to support us.

A funny moment at the opening was when a friend of mine who wasn’t photographed for the project asked another friend of mine who was photographed, “How did they get so many people to be models? How did they convince you?” To which the friend responded, “It’s Airial, you want someone to do something, you just get Airial to ask for you.” And that made me smile. Maybe it’s because I transmit my enthusiasm so well. If I’m excited about something, chances are it’s worth being excited about.

Shilo is a gifted photographer. One of my most favorite visual artists ever. We met because I wanted to meet her. Simple as that. I saw her photos and thought to myself, this is someone I need to know. We met up at a coffee shop in Oakland one spring evening in 2010 and it’s been a tale of mutual support and collaborative love ever since. Successful collaborations are intimate in their own way. She tells me “I want to do this,” and then I do whatever I can to make it so. I’m a writer- I have no idea how to take a good photo. I don’t know anything about lighting or lenses. I do know that people are starved for media that reflects their experience. I do respect the power of the narrative and the social impact of storytelling. I do understand the combined power of image and text. And that is who we are.

We share the burning desire to celebrate the people that inspire us. The photos on the wall and the people in the building Friday night felt like a culminating event of mutual appreciation.

I’m really grateful Shilo got to feel that love. Many thanks to the Center’s gallery curator, Dorian Katz for inviting the project into the space for the month of May, and also for the heartfelt introduction she gave Shilo during the opening. The staff at the center did a fantastic job of welcoming and hosting the big turn out of friends, family and fans of the project. I appreciate all you who came out to share that moment with us.

The Pleasure Coach just posted a great history on Facebook:

The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.

 

After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

 

That was the end of Elders’ career as America’s first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders’ ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco’s sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders’ unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.

You can read more here and get involved in the conversation about masturbation at the event page here!

I am SO excited. Like so so so excited about the amazing events going on for this month of masturbation celebration!

But mostly I’m beside myself with pride over Shilo McCabe’s solo photo exhibition of the “I Masturbate…” collection. ”I masturbate…” is a radically inclusive photography project created in celebration of National Masturbation Month, consisting of sex-positive photos of people masturbating and sharing personal stories that complete the phrase “I masturbate…”

Come to the opening reception! Friday, May 3rd, 7-10pm at the Center for Sex & Culture, 1349 Mission Street, San Francisco or get more info at the facebook event page!

This post is about books and stories that help us to understand life, but that might not be so easy to digest. I remember falling in love with reading when I encountered my favorite author, Tom Robbins, in my teens. I wonder what my parents would have thought if they had snatched Another Roadside Attraction out of my hands as I was devouring it at age 16.

I want to share with you this lovely story, telling of fertility and the cycle of life. Connecting a trip to Babeland and (a big Dildo!) in a Sherman Alexie story. Along with some other big dildo magic.

“For those of us who were not immaculately conceived, we need sex to have babies. And we need a lot of laughter to survive pregnancy and parenting in a healthy state of mind.”

My story of stories is actually about another Sherman Alexie book: The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. I knew of Sherman Alexie from school in Arizona, reading Reservation Blues seems almost like a lifetime ago.

This is my experience, life as a mom and a babe and someone dating another single parent… and the holidays. I purchased this book in an actual bookstore over the holidays for my lover’s son who is about my daughter’s age. I didn’t read the book, but I read the reviews. I thought it couldn’t be more scathing than the video games he plays where he tauts guns and bombs and someone dies every second, so I got it for him. I had already decided I was going to get him a book.

“A book?” my lover said. “I think he would prefer a nerf gun”.
“Nope I will buy you a gun, (shaped object) but I will not get one for a kid.”

So I snatched up the Alexie book and thought it should be a good read! Well let me tell you this boy really likes this book. He read right through it and I still saw it around by his stuff. His dad said he loved it. Now remember I said I didn’t read the book? It turns out this young boy’s mom eventually did read it after her son seemed to love it so much, and found that it made reference to OMGoodness…masturbation and boners.

Oh no!! What had I done!? Had I exposed this 11 year old to his first dose of sexuality in the form of literature? I doubt it.

I am pretty sure this t’ween knows what a boner is. Not that I wasn’t slightly mortified to hear of his mother’s reaction. Which as far as I could tell was mostly chastising of the book and the boy’s father and likely me, although I was spared the actual words.

I do regret not reading this book before I gave it as a gift. Would I not have given it if I knew it talked about masturbation? Would you? Part of me wants to get a copy for my daughter and I to read. I see that the book was actually banned and then un-banned by people who originally didn’t read it.

I personally think it is important to keep the library open and full of books that might be controversial to some, because the truth is we are all born of “the sacred in the profane.” I think reading is so important to our expanding and growing minds. If a child finds a book they love or connect with that is a beautiful thing. And I don’t think sexuality and real language should be kept away from young people while they are unquestionably exposed to violence. What do you think? Tell me, I can take it.

About Mama K: She is a single mom to a thoughtful 13 year old. She’s also a workaholic, a lover, a dreamer and a connector of random things with a passion for social media, innovation, online privacy, cupcakes, rollerskating and making people smile. Her background includes a BA in linguistics and a JD with a focus on international human rights and indigenous peoples law and policy from the University of Arizona. Experience in law, publishing, media and the sex industry have provided her with invaluable perspective. 

A priori knowledge is a tricky thing… especially when you’re a poor kid with a brain like an accordion.

Valentine’s day has come and gone. And this year I made no promises, broke no vows, and kept myself mostly to myself, but as I’m walking the lake with my 4-legged BFF, we come up to the most beautiful trash receptacle I’ve ever seen. This trash can is on the exit I take from the lake to my street. A marker. Turn left, go up a hill. My place.

“Recycle my heart” is what this says to me. Yes, please. Can I deposit the heart I’ve got, the love I’ve had, the love that feels used and spent and maybe having outlived it’s original purpose can be melted down and a new heart will appear?

Maybe the structural integrity of my heart has been compromised, but the essential ingredients are still precious. How much is copper going for right now? What is it’s redemption value? How many ways can a steel heart be refashioned; made lighter with each trip up the conveyor belt?  Just keep my love out of the landfill. Keep my love circulating. Don’t let me be lazy and throw it away.

Last week I wrote about raising sex positive kids and touched on my dreams of providing space for my kids to explore their sexuality in a safe environment where they don’t have to fear getting in trouble with their parents or the cops or the neighbor down the street who might “catch” them. This sparked all kinds of conversation in my community about how we, as parents, can provide that space without setting off any taboo radars, without being arrested for child molestation/voyeurism or abuse, and without grossing out our teens with our obnoxious thoughts and questions about their sexual feelings and ideas.

My thoughts turned to when I was young and I asked about sex. My mom gave me the message that sex was something you do when you are married. From an early age, I was convinced that I would have sex by the time I was 17 yrs old. This left me as a young teen with a dilemma about whether I could talk to my mother about sex or not. I decided that because my parents had a rigid idea of what was “okay”, I was not able to tell them if and when I chose a different path. For most of my teenage years, I fumbled, sometimes literally, through exploring my sexuality without the guidance of any adult, relying on the advice of others my age. I learned many lessons in the most difficult ways possible.

Many of my first experiences with sex were wild, exciting and what I thought was fun, while simultaneously being cramped, dirty and shameful. I was often drunk, having met my lovers at drunken teen parties or even at adult bars. I had no idea what I was doing except following the lead of the guy I was with or my friends; none of them suggested I have a “safe sex” talk or that I could say “no” or even ask for what I wanted from these men. I spent years trying to find love and affection by offering my body to men. I had my first orgasm at 20 yrs old after almost 5 years of being sexually active. And I didn’t learn what my own desires and needs were until I was well into my 20’s.

Now when I imagine the “perfect parent” who could have been helpful to me, I envision someone who was willing to hear what I was experiencing or thinking without judging me for my actions or thoughts. I would have wanted guidance around how to get what I wanted without losing my sense of self in the process. Most of all, when I made dumb decisions and really fucked up, I yearned for someone to help me pick up the pieces, clean up the mistakes and support me to get back to feeling whole again.

When I turned 21, after years of making innumerable poor decisions about my sexuality, I told my mother some of the major mistakes I made. It was very important at the time for her to understand the serious impact her rigid message about sex had on my life. I wanted her to understand my lack of ability to make informed decisions about sex throughout my teen years. My mother could not tell me what decisions she might have made if I had shared my struggles with her back when I was young, but she was very sad that I had not trusted her enough to share this with her. There are two pieces that I learned were crucial and lacking in this process: information and practice.

In our modern world, with our advanced technology, young folk may or may not need information from their parents about sex. There is a lot of decent information today on the internet and in some school programs; well informed teachers give kids a broad understanding of their bodies and others and how they can interact with each other sexually. I want to be available for my kids for whatever questions they have after receiving this information. Clearly, they may choose not to ask me those questions, but I frequently make sure that they know I am there, willing to talk and will not put them down in the process.

One reader left a comment on my blog last week about a book called “The Guide to Getting It On” by Paul Joannides. She suggested that as a child, she found it helpful when her father left this book lying around, giving her the chance to pick it up and read it at her leisure. She later told me that she might have actually asked her father for information about sex and this was his response. Education through books seems a great resource for kids who are self motivated and need to do things at their own pace.

I have found with my kids that subjects come up in the car, at the dinner table or in particular, after 5th grade when “sex ed” classes start at school and we are able to actively start conversations about how the class is going. Because I am eager to discuss these ideas with my kids, I often jump at the chance to talk about the subject. Sometimes this is good, and sometimes it is too much for the kids.

I want my kids to know that whatever questions they have about sex, they do not need to feel as if they might be ridiculed or demeaned for asking questions or having a thought in the first place. My youngest son recently made a statement in the car about not wanting to look “gay” because he liked a boy. We spent some time discussing this idea and not necessarily whether it was bad to be “gay” or even “not gay” but rather that it was not nice to use “gay” as an insult about other people. I made sure that my boys know that they can be attracted to whomever they want and they will not be judged. My 7 year old, with eye rolling irritation replies, “I KNOW, Mom.”

What seems more difficult to discern is a clear path to how to allow the kids a space to “practice”. When do we ever see young kids encouraged to have sex and enjoy themselves? We are bombarded by the media with sex and the use of sex to sell products is rampant, but the message gets lost in translation. We are not necessarily saying, “Hey kids, sex is a lot of hard work and emotionally difficult, but a lot of fun in the process.” Sex IS hot, sex IS awesome, but sex is not EVERYTHING. And it takes practice.

But where do we expect them to get that practice? Another friend of mine is an incredible planner of epic and super sexy events for adults. Although I loved the conversation about how he could make this also work for teens, I tend to operate on a smaller scale. Again, I can envision my kids having a space at my house to “practice”. However, I can also imagine that I could run into some difficult conversations with my kids’ friends’ parents. I can imagine that how I communicate with them about the space will be very important. I believe in direct, honest communication in most areas of my life. This seems like a crucial place to continue that trend.

I would tell other parents my beliefs about sex, my beliefs about how we should talk to our kids about sex, my beliefs about how if we take the mystery and riskiness out of sex, perhaps our kids might not even rush to do it so soon, and might be more conscious about how they relate to sex. I would tell other parents that if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are aware of safe sex practices; if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are taught to be respectful of boundaries and respect a “no”; if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are learning how to ask for what they want; if they do NOT want their kids to have sex with my kids who are learning how to recognize their feelings and speak up for themselves when they feel uncomfortable; and if they do NOT want their kids to have sex in a safe, comfortable environment without the stress of being caught or arrested, then they should NOT let their kids come over to my house. Otherwise, send them over and their kids might get the same message my kids get: be safe, be respectful, ask for what you want, notice what you are feeling, relax and have fun!

Julie Barr, MA, MFT, has been licensed in California since 2002 and has worked for the last 21 years with children, families, adults and couples to create richer, more rewarding relationships and help individuals and families process and heal from serious trauma and mental health issues. More recently, Julie has begun to lead workshops and facilitate community events to increase a sense of shared responsibility for caring for others in a healthy and loving manner.

My favorite quote?

Leaving the “get it up, get it in, get it off” mentality behind and moving into a receptive role can result in a new feeling of vulnerability. But men can expand the scope of what sex means to them by exploring the worldof prostate play. According to Glickman, letting go of ass-based insecurity can open up a whole new world of sexual pleasure.

For more information on the book, check out http://www.prostatepleasureguide.net/

Recently I was asked to contribute some sexpert advice for Lovehoney.com on how to heat up your Valentine’s Day. This is what I said:

“Parents, especially single parents, do not under estimate the erotic potential of a good sexting session. You can spell out your desires in quick text blasts letting your partner know what devious deeds are on your mind without curious ears listening in. It’s easy to get caught up in Valentine’s Day ‘must haves’ but really, all you need is your phone and willing partner. Start the naughty messages (maybe even a sexy pic) up at work, keep the back and forth going during your commute and then bring it all home. Don’t worry about being a romance novelist, just be honest.” - The Sex-Positive Parent, Airial Clark MA

Not bad, huh? You should check out the whole list, lots of great advice from well respected sexperts.

It got me to thinking, though. It would be great if parents shared their sexy success strategies with each other here. SO as an incentive to get y’all talking to each other, I’ve partnered with Lovehoney.com to sweeten the deal!

What advice, based on your experience as a sex-positive parent, can you share? Tell us a brief story in the comments and enter to win this Sexier Life Starter Pack!

The package includes:

Lovehoney 10 Speed Dream Bullet Vibrator- Powerful and discreet, the 10 Speed Dream Bullet hits every sweet spot with pinpoint accuracy. Perfect to pop in your handbag or to use in conjunction with other toys.

Lovehoney Extreme Double Stroker- A super-versatile male sex toy for solo or shared pleasure. The reversible Lovehoney Extreme Double Stroker boasts raised ridges on one side, a narrow canal and tight treads on the other to stroke, tease and stimulate.

Tracey Cox Supersex Silicone Love Ring- Vibrating cock rings allow you to add extra stimulation to your sex life. Perfectly designed for shared fulfillment  slip this silicone love ring on your partner and combine pinpointed vibrations with penetrative sex.

Durex Play Feel- Lubricant can be used on yourself, your partner or with your favorite sex toy to ensure things stay smooth and sensual. This special long-lasting water-based lubricant is gentle on your skin and once you’ve tried lube, you’ll wonder how you lived without it.

Lovehoney Fresh Toy Cleaner 120ml- This spray-on sex toy cleaner ensures your favorite sex toys are clean, hygienic and safe to use. time and time again.

Exciting!!!

A winner will be chosen with random.org on February 14, Valentine’s Day  (Available to US and UK residents only.)

Get to sharing!!!