I’ve been wanting to write about black holes and catalysts, with the two modes of relating battling it out in my writer’s mind for attention. Struggling with the need to get these two opposing structures out of my head and into words, my intrinsic belief in balance provides the landscape for the two stories to flow into one.
The black hole relationships have to deal with all the people I’ve cared for that have some kind of untreated mental illness; how whenever I love someone who’s depression, or whatever form of mental illness they have, goes untreated, it’s like throwing coins down a well. Over and over tossing my shiniest, brightest bits of self into a brick and mortar hole just hoping to hear a splash. Pining for even an echo of I love you too. To be stuck in them. Waiting. Hoping. Wanting. I need to write the story acknowledging my anger and resentment and resolution to not ever be that person again. I am not the cure to their ailment, no matter how much I, or they, want to be.
The other story is about the catalysts in my life and how deeply grateful I am for them. Those people who come into my life and it feels like their purpose is so clear: to provoke a change in me at a faster rate than what would have been possible had we not met. Bree was the first person I identified as a catalyst, when we were 15. My sons were the second. I have an aunt that is always ready to fire me up.
And there is the balance. These are my forever and ever relationships. Just like the black holes: my mother, my children’s father, my brother… they aren’t going anywhere. The years that feel lost in investing everything into nothing are balanced by the years where I grow at light speed, facing fears and shedding layers rapidly. The weather always trying to balance itself means that there is a homeostasis we are all working towards. My version of homeostasis includes a lot of movement, a lot of joy found in fluidity, the grace of shifting and exploration.
See, now the pressure has been eased. I have said what I’ve been wanting to say for weeks. I’m so done throwing coins into empty wells. I’m so pleased to have firey, chemistry altering loved ones to challenge me.